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Letter #151: Fearing the Future

February 28, 2011

Dear future,

As much as I want to say I don’t, I fear you. There, I admitted it. I’m not hiding behind my ‘I’ve got it all together’ and ‘it’s all going to work out in the long run’ facade anymore. A common question in our society is ‘What’s your greatest fear?’

Sure, I’m afraid of snakes (seriously, I’ve been known to scamper the opposite way after blood curdling screams and an occasional profanity slips from my lips), but this definitely doesn’t consume me. The thought of being attacked or my house getting broken into freaks me out, but I really never dwell on this. Failure seeps in every once in awhile, but then I remember I’m not going to fail as long as I am putting my best efforts forward.

So, we’re back to you. All I know about you is for the next two and half months I get to prep for summer followed by three months of living in Lampe, MO at the Westside for my sixth and potentially final summer. K-West 2011 will have a different feel for me this summer regardless of it being my last or not. I’ll have added and different responsibilities and will be coming into the summer already having some sort of relationship with each staff girl. I don’t know if I’ve ever been more excited for a summer.

After these six months, I have no idea what lies ahead for, well, my entire life…exactly why you freak me out. My possibilities are limitless. I could potentially remain in Shady B. I could move back to good ‘ole Oklahoma. I could honestly live in any city in the world. I could do business; I could work for a church; I could be a teacher. Literally, the possibilities are endless. Too endless. I have nothing tying me down, yet, somehow you seem too broad.

Snakes, criminals and failure don’t keep my head spinning. It’s you I lay awake at night thinking about. It’s you I’m continually processing. I long for more stability in you.

Then, I happened to watch a LifeChurch.tv sermon while cooking what turned out to be really good chicken tortilla soup…yes, as my friend, Brooke, mentioned, Saturday nights look very different as an adult!! It was called ‘I Quit Living in Fear’ and was exactly the reality check I needed. Craig pointed out ‘what we fear reveals what we value most and where we trust God least.’ Hello, wake-up call!

You’re exactly what I fear most as well as where I trust God least. I want to know answers. End of story. This has led me to a lack of trust in my God.

Then Craig pulled out this John Wesley quote: ‘I have never known more than 15 minutes of anxiety or fear. Whenever I feel fearful emotions overtaking me I just close my eyes and thank God that He is still on the throne reigning over everything and I take comfort in his control over the affairs of my life.

My goodness, may this become my perspective on life. Regardless of my unknown you, God is still on His throne and in control. Thank the Lord because that might be the only constant regarding you at this point.

My favorite verse in the Bible is 2 Tim. 1:7: ‘For God has not given us a spirit of timidity (fear in some translations), but of power and love and discipline.’ I know this verse by heart, but it so easily fades away. I forget. I allow myself to be consumed by the fear this world says is normal.

Today, I’m acknowledging my fear of you and striving to have Wesley’s mindset.

May I be consumed by Christ and His sovereignty today,

Fear shaker in your realm

 

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